The Depths of Loneliness
- Eric J Herrholz
- 6 days ago
- 3 min read
A Journey Through Darkness
Loneliness is a profound and often misunderstood emotion. It can creep into the corners of our lives, especially during moments when we should feel the most connected. For some, like myself, loneliness became a constant companion, a shadow that followed me through the darkest times of my youth.
My journey through loneliness began at 13, when my father passed away in my arms. That moment shattered my world. My mom, busy trying to keep herself together, struggled to provide the emotional support I desperately needed. The weight of grief and responsibility fell heavily on my young shoulders, deepening the sense of loneliness that already pervaded my life.
On my 14th birthday, I found myself in solitary confinement. The walls of the cell closed in on me, amplifying the silence and the sense of abandonment. Birthdays are meant to be a celebration of life, but for me, it was a stark reminder of my isolation. The loneliness was suffocating, a heavy weight that pressed down on my spirit.
At 15, under the influence of cocaine, I spent Christmas alone in a car, homeless. The festive lights and joyful carols around me only highlighted the stark reality of my circumstances. While others celebrated with family, exchanging gifts and creating memories, I sat in the cold, the car's interior my only refuge. The solitude was palpable, mirroring the life I was enduring.
The abuse I suffered at the hands of Priest Arno Dennerlein and lawyer Alan Schroeder before I was 16 added layers to my loneliness. These were figures of authority, individuals who should have been protectors, but instead, they exploited my vulnerability. Arno Dennerlein, who was eventually exposed and removed from the Franciscan Diocese Catholic Church for such abuse, had told me that if I was ever in a bad situation, I should call him for help. And help he did—by feeding his sick desires. Alan Schroeder, a prominent attorney, was arrested and finally met his match. Unable to continue manipulating the courts with his legal expertise, he was on his way to prison.
Mark Butler, a client of Alan Schroeder, just fresh out of prison turned me out, shot me full of heroin, and used me. Let's say he broke me in and showed me how to "take it" so to say. He took me to the Valley View or Abe Lincoln Motel, where I would meet the clients of Alan who wanted to party with a young, attractive kid that no one cared about. The way they would dress me, use me and sometime humiliate me. The betrayal cut deep, leaving scars that would take years to heal. The loneliness was not just physical but emotional, a chasm that seemed impossible to bridge
By almost age 17, my Uncle Jim Monaco took me in on the Southside in Alsip. I worked at the Frosted Mug and stayed at his home just a block away from the restaurant. Uncle Jim’s support provided a semblance of stability, and working at the Frosted Mug gave me a routine that helped anchor me in those tumultuous times. He rescued me from jail, assisted in buying a car, and always treated me with respect.
But just as I began to find my footing, a new danger emerged. At 17, I faced a very serious situation where a member of the "Outfit" had put a hit on my life. My Uncle Carl Gambino, with his connections and influence, quickly put a halt to anyone else hurting me. His intervention was a stark reminder of the dangerous world I was navigating and the powerful allies I had in my corner.
Feeling so lonely during these formative years shaped my understanding of the world and my place in it. It taught me the harsh realities of life, but it also instilled in me a resilience that would carry me through the darkest times. Loneliness, while painful, became a crucible in which my strength was forged.
Today, as I reflect on those years, I realize that my journey through loneliness has given me a unique perspective. It has made me more empathetic; more understanding of the struggles others face. It has also made me appreciate the connections I have now, the relationships that bring light into my life.
Loneliness is a powerful force, but it does not have to define us. It can be a catalyst for growth, a reminder of our resilience, and a testament to our ability to overcome even the darkest of times.
