Signs Look at the Signs: My Journey Through Darkness and Light

I slipped between the cracks. No one seemed to care. It was insane. The attorney was teaching me to freebase at 14 and be his toy. Some saw it. Others turned a blind eye. I was high on cocaine, riding that train - round and round and round I go. The pain I had, nobody knows. But God never left my side, even when I was where no one else could find me. God has never left me when flesh and blood left me to rot.

This is my story. Raw, unfiltered, and real. It’s about the signs I ignored, the pain I buried, and the strength I found when I thought all was lost. If you’re here, maybe you’re searching for your own light in the darkness. Let me walk you through what I learned.

The Silent Cracks: When No One Notices Your Fall

You know that feeling when you’re falling, but no one reaches out to catch you? That’s what it was like. I was slipping through the cracks of a world that should have protected me. The attorney, someone I trusted, was teaching me to freebase cocaine, to be his toy. It was a twisted game, and I was the pawn.

People saw pieces of it. Some glanced away. Others pretended not to notice. The silence was deafening. I was high on cocaine, riding that train of destruction, round and round. The pain was a secret I carried alone.

Here’s what I want you to understand: When you feel invisible, when the world turns its back, it’s not your fault. The cracks aren’t your doing. But recognizing the signs is the first step to breaking free.

• Feeling isolated even in a crowd

• Trust being broken by those you depend on

• The lure of substances to numb the pain

• The endless cycle of self-destruction

  
  

If any of this sounds familiar, listen closely. You’re not alone. And there is a way out.

Cracks in the wall symbolizing hidden pain and neglect

Riding the Train: The Cycle of Addiction and Pain

Round and round I went. The cocaine was my escape, my way to silence the screaming inside. But it was a trap. Addiction isn’t just about the substance. It’s about the pain you’re trying to outrun.

I was caught in a loop - the high, the crash, the shame, and then back again. It felt endless. But here’s the brutal truth: addiction feeds on pain, but it also hides it. It’s a mask that keeps you from facing what’s really going on.

Breaking that cycle means looking at the pain head-on. It means asking yourself the hard questions:

• What am I really running from?

• Who do I want to be when this is over?

• What signs have I been ignoring?

  
  

The answers aren’t easy. But they’re necessary.

Train tracks symbolizing the endless cycle of addiction and pain

Finding God When Flesh and Blood Leave You

When everyone else left, God stayed. That’s the one thing I can say with certainty. Even in my darkest moments, when I was where no one else could find me, God never left me.

It’s not about religion or rituals. It’s about a presence, a force that holds you when you feel like you’re falling apart. When flesh and blood leave you to rot, that presence is the only thing that keeps you alive.

I learned to lean into that presence. To talk to it, to cry, to scream. It became my anchor. And slowly, it helped me find my way back.

If you’re struggling, remember this: you are never truly alone. Even when it feels like it, there is a light that never goes out.

Signs You Can’t Afford to Ignore

The signs were there all along. I just didn’t want to see them. Maybe you’re in the same place. Here are some signs that demand your attention:

1. Feeling invisible or unheard - When your pain is dismissed or ignored.

2. Being manipulated or controlled - When someone uses you for their own gain.

3. Turning to substances to cope - When the pain feels unbearable.

4. Isolation from friends and family - When you feel cut off from support.

5. A sense of hopelessness or despair - When the future looks dark.

   
   

Ignoring these signs only makes the fall harder. But recognizing them is the first step to healing.

Rebuilding From the Ashes: Finding Purpose and Strength

After the darkness, there is light. After the pain, there is purpose. My journey wasn’t easy. It took time, courage, and a willingness to face the truth. But I found strength I never knew I had.

Here’s what helped me rebuild:

• Seeking help - Me, Myself and GOD.

• Building new routines - Healthy habits to replace destructive ones.

• Connecting spiritually - Finding that presence that never left me.

• Setting boundaries - Protecting myself from those who would harm me.

• Finding purpose - Turning my pain into a mission to help others.

  
  

If you’re ready to start rebuilding, remember this: it’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to take it one day at a time. And it’s okay to believe that your story isn’t over.

This journey is mine, but it could be yours too. The signs are there. Look at the signs. Don’t let yourself slip through the cracks. There is strength in survival, and purpose in pain. And above all, there is a light that never leaves you.

If you want to learn more about transforming trauma into strength, check out Eric J. Herrholz’s work. His guidance helped me find clarity and confidence when I thought all was lost.

Keep fighting. Keep believing. You are not alone.